It's complicated

Minggu lepas, saya balik kampung lagi sebab kakak jiran belakang rumah saya kahwin. Jadi topik 'bila giliran hang nak kahwin?" pasti muncul. Sebab umur kakak jiran ialah 27 tahun, sebaya dengan saya dan dia dah kahwin tapi saya belum.

Saya sedar saya dah tua.

Saya dah senja.

Ah, saya tension sampai jerawat tumbuh kat kedua-dua belah pipi saya, dekat dengan hidung pulak tu. Sakit betul.

Mak asked me if I've a girlfriend and I said yes. Well, practically, we chat almost everyday and we've dated once. I named her P. We've met for three months. Saya jatuh hati dengan dia sebab ideologi dia dan dia comel tapi dia kecik. Saya rasa memang susah nak dapatkan calon isteri yang berkaki panjang. Well, beggar can't choose anyway.

Anyway *sekali lagi*, I realize she has a tendency of being dominant. Though she always gives me support and cares lots and lots about me, yesterday was another story.

We discussed about our future. She already planned to further her study in UK next year. She did invite me to join her but I'm not ready. Saya tak nak tinggalkan mak bila dia sedang di hujung usia, bila dia perlukan sokongan anak-anak. Last time, saya pernah nampak dia berkerut muka bila saya cakap saya nak sambung belajar ke Australia. Mak berat hati nak lepaskan saya pergi. Jadi saya tak jadi sambung.

But P said she got to do what she got to do. She ain't bother others.

Nampaknya misi saya untuk berkahwin sebelum umur 32 tahun masih belum tercapai.

In the meantime, I'm still thinking of F. She's the benchmark for my potential wife. I'm comparing her with P. Walaupun saya rasa saya lebih mengenali P berbanding F, tapi hati saya lebih kepada F sebenarnya.

I think F already has a boyfriend. I don't know, because she never answer my question.

Hurmmmpphh...

It's complicated.

I hope she loves me.